How to get along with your wife

I found this at another site, and I decided that, for the good of my gender, I would pass it along, in slightly altered style. (In case you're wondering whether I came up with stuff all by myself. No. Wish I had.)

I'm a man, you know, and my wife and I have been together for--would you believe it'll be 35 years this summer? Obviously, we get along pretty well.

You may wonder why. Well ... I treat her as an equal and as my best friend--because she (thinks she) is. I'm understanding and compassionate (sometimes). I'm interested in the (dumb) stuff she likes. I let her hold the TV remote once in a while. I'll even sit through "E.R." and figure skating (though I'll probably be playing on my laptop next to her). Live and let live. Nobody's perfect. I'm sure not.

So how can you maintain domestic tranquility at your home? Guys, it just comes down to knowing what to say and how to say it.

For instance, let's say you've just gotten home, and you're really hungry. What do you say?

--Asking for trouble: "What's for supper?"
--Safer: "Can I help you with dinner?"
--Much safer: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"
--Ultra safe: "Here, have some chocolate."

Or else you're going out together, and she's wearing something you didn't expect her to wear. How do you handle this question of style?

--Asking for trouble: "Are you wearing THAT?"
--Safer: "Wow, you sure look good in brown!"
--Much safer: "Wow!! Look at you!!"
--Ultra safe: "Here, have some chocolate."

Or else she's in a bad mood--something's bothering her. What's your way to broach the subject?

--Asking for trouble: "What's got you so worked up?"
--Somewhat safer: "Could we be over-reacting?"
--Much safer: "Here's my paycheck!"
--Ultra safe: "Here, have some chocolate."

Suppose she's eating something that isn't really the best for her. What do you say?

--Asking for trouble: "Should you be eating that?"
--Somewhat safer: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."
--Much safer: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?"
--Ultra safe: "Here, have some chocolate."

Or say you come home from work, and the house looks the way it did when you left for work. She has been home all day. Hmmm...

--Asking for trouble: "What did you DO all day?"
--Somewhat safer: "I hope you didn't overdo it today."
--Much safer: "I've always loved you in that robe."
--Ultra safe: "Here, have some more chocolate."

A soft voice, a kind disposition, understanding of what makes each other tick and a little tenderness are the keys to happiness in any home. Guys, now you hold the keys.