Waiting for something good

There is a saying … something along the lines of “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” I think Vince Lombardi is credited with it.

He was probably referring to football, but I guess it applies to other aspects of life as well. I’ve been feeling really tired lately, and I haven’t exactly been feeling brave and bold, either. Coincidence?

Some things have been bothering me that I know shouldn’t be. It’s that simple. I’ve been tired lately, and I haven’t been able to turn off the worry and fears. Where is that switch, anyhow?

Emotions are mixed up. Maybe my mood will be better in a little while. Some things I’m trying to do feel a lot like banging my head against the wall. I’m so impatient for something good to happen to me. And I am trying my hardest. But that effort hasn’t made any difference. When I work hard at something and see those efforts fail, I tend to get disappointed and depressed. So that’s where I’ve been at.

Maybe I ought to be more relaxed about things, let go and take a “whatever!” attitude. But that isn’t easy for me, especially when it really matters to me.

If you don’t know (if you are fairly new to my writings), be advised that I can throw as good a pity party for myself as anybody. I really can. Take some weariness, mix in discouragement, stir in impatience, put it in a 300-degree oven for 20 mintues, and it’s ready.

At those times I tend to forget a few things. Or I focus on some things and forget about others.

I tend to forget that I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. Nobody else is–just me. So if I’m going to be happy, it’s all up to me. What I need to do is reflect on the good things and not worry about the others. Change what I can do something about. Accept what I can’t do anything about. Be wise enough to know the difference.

If you have been following along, you know a few of these concerns already. The canceled weekend planned with B. The work load all summer (supposedly my slow time of the year). The house that hasn’t sold.

I can tell you a few more. A big one is my late aunt’s nephew, who was the executor of her estate … and who evidently has embezzled a lot of the money. He is facing criminal charges now but pleaded not guilty at the arraignment, which drags out the whole process further. My aunt died in the first weeks of 2007. The trial won’t be until the spring of 2010. Sentencing may be in the summer. Restitution to the estate: who knows? Will I live that long?

Then … I’d like to get another car. I’ve had my present car for six years now, and it has 166K on it. That’s 267K kilometers. But it’s still doing well, still gets pretty good gas mileage. And still is just as small as it’s ever been. Until my aunt’s estate gets settled or my mom’s house sells, though, I won’t be in the market. Not that I’m planning to spend a lot, either.

(By the way, Cash for Clunkers doesn’t apply to vehicles that still get about 36 mpg.)

There’s one more I could tell you about. But I sure don’t want to scandalize all of you by telling you about my search for a special friend, one who lives close enough that I could visit her once in a while–every month, more or less.

I am searching. I am trying. I know she must be out there. But I don’t want to upset those of you who hold fast to traditional beliefs on marriage, so I won’t tell you about that.

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My wife and I took a mini-vacation trip last week. Photos and stories to come. We went to some odd places and had one really odd adventure involving my cell phone.

But it’s late and I’m tired. Time to post this and get some sleep. After all, isn’t it the lack of sleep that is at the crux of all this?