When we do things, I think most of us want to do them well. Some dopes don't give a damn, but most of us do. If you are proud of yourself as a person, you want to do a good job. Well and good.
But there are times when you can be too self-critical, and it's always been a hole I fall into. Perfectionism. I know I can't be perfect, but I still have a high standard for my own work, especially my writing. Maybe that standard is too high.
You know the movies or cartoons where you see people with an angel whispering in one ear and a devil in the other? That's what it's like, but at one ear it's my rational self, and at the other is my perfectionist self.
Rational Self says: Why be so obsessed with making things so spot-on perfect? Nobody cares. I'm not writing for money--people aren't paying money and expecting value in return. So if they get what I'm trying to say, why isn't that good enough? Make my point and move on.
But then Perfectionist Self starts whispering: I can write it just a little bit better. So I read it over and edit and read it over again and edit again. And so forth. I put it aside for a while, but sooner or later I open the file again, read it over again and edit yet again. Get the picture? And of course, after revising a segment of the piece, I often decide I don't like it and try to get it back the way it was. Good luck with that!
This battle between my ears helps explain why my posts have been so infrequent for months. One, I have been busy, and I'm writing other people and I'm spending time with my wife when I can (because we both enjoy that). But also, I start writing something ... and get bogged down with the vicious circle of revisions.
The funny part is that I revived my Blogger site with the idea that I can just write for the sake of writing and get some thoughts down while they're still fresh in my mind. Rational Self liked that. But often I let the ideas get stale, and by the time I am at the keyboard and in the mood to write, my sharply focused piece has gone out of focus in my mind. The points I want to make aren't so sharp any more.
Then I get frustrated and close the file and do something else. Maybe Perfectionist Self doesn't want me to write and just play games or download music instead.
That's what happened with Blogger. In recent weeks, I started a Tumblr site, with just little short insights, just a few paragraphs long. Then I realized that was exactly my intent with the Blogger site. So inevitably, I realized, the Tumblr site will suffer the same fate--Perfectionist Self would win out sooner or later.
I haven't written there since. Blogger and Efx3 are easier to use, anyway (I find).
My letters to friends are subject to that, too. But I figure they know me and will forgive me if they aren't edited just right or make sense all the time, so I don't worry about that so much. Rational Self reminds me that I want to get the letter finished and out the door, and I don't let that get in the way. Not too often, at least.
When I read (That's another thing; I have been trying to read more books on my e-reader.), I don't let an occasional obscure or confusing passage get in the way of my enjoyment. So why can't I apply that same standard to myself?
Well, it is what it is. Life is crazy--we all know that. Try to get some satisfaction and happiness in life, however you can. However I can. Don't sweat things. It'll be OK. Even if it's not perfect.
You know what? OK is OK. I try to tell myself that, because it's true.
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