Deer me!

Good news! The early deadline is ancient history!

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While we were finishing up the paper on Friday, my mom called. It was her 83rd birthday, and she said she got a wonderful birthday gift. She lives out in a rural area, about a mile from town, and she said that about an hour ago she saw a little fawn, just sitting in the grass in front of her wood shed. It had been there for about an hour, and she was getting anxious about it--where was its mom?

We talked about it, and I suggested she call the local DNR office. She called back a while later. The DNR people were interested, but they couldn't come out. The fawn was still there, sitting in the grass, nibbling at it occasionally.

Of course, this is the kind of picture I would die for! A baby fawn sitting in the grass, at close range! There were only two problems: (1) My mom lives about an hour away; and (2) it was production day on a short week with a short staff--I couldn't get away, no how, no way.

But I said that if the fawn was still there when we were done, I'd drive down, camera in hand. I figured we would be done in another 90 minutes.

In fact, it turned out to be more like 60 minutes, and I called my mom again to get an update. Was Bambi still there? She looked out her window. Then she said she would go outside. I waited. Finally she came back. Apparently, she said, mom must have finally returned. The fawn was gawn. (sorry, couldn't help that)

Ironically, that same day, as I was sneaking out the side entrance to visit the drive-thru lane of the local Taco Bell at noon, I looked to my right as I started to cross the street--and saw Bambi's mother standing there, watching. "Hello," I said, very friendly-like. She just stood there. I slowly turned around, walked the other way and went back inside the office to get my camera. About a minute later, I was back, camera in hand. Apparently sensing the imminent arrival of the local paparazzi, the deer was not here.

Remember, we're in a small town (about 3,000 people) along a two-lane highway in the North Woods, so deer sightings are pretty common events. Bambi and friends sure could use some pointers on jaywalking, though. Car-deer accidents are common. And because of the distances from small town to small town and the fact that many of the highways are just two lanes wide, people don't like to drive at the speed limit. Like my trip to the conference track meet a few days ago--it took a little over two hours, each way. No interstate highways up here.

So at dawn and especially at dusk, the deer lie in wait until cars are passing by before bursting out and doing a dance on the highway. Usually I can stop in time.
The last deer I hit was about six weeks after I got my current car--about two years ago. I was driving to a baseball game, just slightly over 55 mph, and the deer dashed in front of me with no warning. I may have had a quarter second to put on the brakes, but the deer had signed its death warrant. So I hit him, and my brand new used Mazda (it already had 43,000 miles on it; now it has 85K) had become the U.P.'s newest deermobile.

I've learned over the years that deer usually travel in twos, single file, especially when crossing highways. So if you see one deer crossing the road far enough ahead that it would be on the other side by the time you get there, you better slow down anyway--because another one may be just about to step onto the pavement.

The other thing I've learned--and you people who love animals aren't going to like this--is that the most important thing to do when a deer jumps in your path is to hit the brakes but DON'T TURN THE WHEEL! Because if you swerve, you run a good chance of turning into the path of another car or of going into a ditch and hitting a tree. The deer may get away scot-free, but you could be badly injured or killed. That's not good.

Insurance people tell me that. Don't turn the wheel! If you swerve and cause an accident, it will be your fault. But if you hit the deer, it's regarded as an "act of God" and won't affect your insurance rates.

So what scenario do they show in several TV auto insurance commercials? It's night, and a family is driving home when a deer pops up in the headlights. The people (from the point of view of the deer, I guess) look alarmed, and there is movement to the side.

The next scene shows the people standing outside the car, which has crashed into a tree. Everybody looks OK, and there is a tow truck there and a cop holding a clipboard, taking a report.

I have to laugh. If you hit a tree, you're not going to be feeling too well, even with airbags. Lesson in physics, people: Trees don't bend! They're very solid!
So the lesson is: Hit the damn deer! It's OK. God will make more.