It's finally that moment when we go back in time to last Thursday and Friday, to the U.P. Firefighters' tournament, which I covered for my paper. It's a merry time for one and all, as you will see.
Very briefly: There are four parts of the competition:
1. The dress parade, where firefighters march in uniform. Some are better than others.
2. The shirttail parade, where firefighters come up with floats and other entries to reflect the theme of the tournament. This year, it was "Tropical Heatwave."
3. A series of five races.
4. The commercial parade. Basically, the same entries as the shirttail parade, but in broad daylight.
I was there for the first three. The dress parade, we'll skip entirely. Who's interested in seeing a bunch of firemen marching in uniform at 7 p.m. ... when you can see those very same firemen marching very out of uniform at 11 p.m.?
With a few soda pops under their belts, the atmosphere at the shirttail parade is mellow and fun-loving. And from what I could see, there was a sudden run on cocoanuts at U.P. stores during the run-up to the tournament, because it seemed most of the firemen were wearing cocoanut shell bras in the parade.
Like these guys in one float. Don't ask what those guys are doing on the right. Let's just call this the Love Boat ...
Of course, some didn't have boats, so they made the best of whatever transportation they could find ...
We were treated to a guest appearance by Johnny Depp ...
This one needs a little explaining. These guys had toucan heads made up, a la Sam the Toucan on the Froot Loops cereal boxes. So they would go down the street, and all of a sudden they would drop some Froot Loops on the pavement, bend over and try to "eat" it. (Which led to a comment I made during the races the next day: "Where did all these damn Froot Loops come from?" Froot Loop residue was all over ...)
Oh, some of these guys let it all hang out. Of course normally they wouldn't cross-dress to save their lives, but in a shirttail parade, transvestism is common ... and hilarious ...
Yeah, honey, you certainly are a hottie ...
Here's one of the big floats from our area. Note the guy on the "surfboard" (a wooden tobaggan) on top ...
And this one was the winner. I never got a picture of it that I really liked, but the guy in the basket was being turned around and around like on a spit, and the dark-skinned guy in back was occasionally seasoning him with shakers plainly marked "Salty" and "Pecker." (Yes, political correctness is a very low priority.)
The firemen will dress down to the occasion, but I didn't see a bare bum. Well, except for this one, seen in a store window.
Would you believe that firemen say things that sound dirty? Check out this T-shirt ...
OK, now it's Friday morning, some people have bad headaches as a result of the night before, but it's time for the races. The firefighters have to do certain things that pertain to their job--under a stopwatch. They started out seated at a card table, and at the starter's gun, they had to run, ...
... put on their equipment (helmet, boots and coat with three buckles closed) and then complete the task ...
A lot of equipment was spread out for the firefighters to choose from ...
And they very carefully set up the coat, boots and helmet where they can put them on swiftly. Like this guy ...
They had to do things like run to a ladder, carry it a short distance and then hold it while someone climbs it. In another race, they had to relay coils of heavy hose back and forth. There were two races involving connecting hoses and exchanging pieces of hose. The hose was laid out down the center of the street, and the teams had to connect the pieces, one end to the hydrant and one to the nozzle ...
The top teams discussed strategy intently while other teams ran ...
The last race is the Mystery Race, because nobody knows about it until after the previous race is finished. This year, the firemen had to move big inner tubes down the street with streams of water from their hoses ...
As in real life, having the biggest hose doesn't necessarily make you a winner. You have to know what to do with it.
The races started at 9 a.m. and lasted until about 2:30 p.m., as temperatures climbed into the 90s. I was there for all of it, so late in the day I got to see this team that really wasn't after a fast time. They had other things in mind. So when they were around the table and heard the starter's gun, they did a pantomime card game. After the first "hand," they removed their ties. It was a hot day, you know, but I suspected what was going on. Up went the camera.
After the second, they took off their shirts ...
After the third hand, they stripped down some more ...
And only then did they head off to their equipment, dressed in boxers emblazoned with the Tasmanian Devil ...
Their time wasn't very good ... but they certainly had a good time and got a big round of applause as they walked back up the street, in front of the pasty shop ...
Then it was over. The top teams got together to toast each other and wish each other well until next year's firefighters tournament. Cheers!
I really enjoy the firefighters' tournament. It's way more colorful than any other event I get to go to. I've been to about a half dozen of them over the years. The die was struck at the first tournament I attended when one team's wives and girlfriends wore shirts that read "Behind every good fireman, there's a good woman holding his hose."
Ah, yes!
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