Delayed celebration

My friend, K, and I have something we can't wait to celebrate.

But wait we must. We won't be able to see each other for a few more weeks.

This weekend marks the first anniversary of that fateful day I first wrote her on OKCupid. That's how we met. Things haven't been the same since.

In short, we quickly became very close friends. After trading e-mails for a month, we met in person for the first time in late March. We had lunch at Hardee's, then spent about 15 minutes in my car, where we talked part of the time and snuggled until she had to go to work. I behaved myself. Well, you shouldn't rush things.

Things moved on from there. I think our first night together was in late April. Like I said, you shouldn't rush things.

Since then, we enjoyed motel pools and hot tubs, hikes, dinners, drives, watching movies. Not as many nights as I would like, but enough of them. But no matter what we do, one fact is consistent: When we finally part, it's hard to let go. There never is enough time when we are together, and the time to say good-bye always comes too soon. Obviously, we fell in love with each other. We were both looking for a good poly partner, but it became more than that. Can't deny that.

Since I am a good poly person (I try to be; I really try hard.), my wife has known about K and I since before our first meeting. She has met her and her husband several times. The four of us most recently got together in early January, for a chili dinner at their place followed by games. The perfect dinner for a cold winter night.

So it's our anniversary. But we can't celebrate it. My job is very busy now, and it will be for two more weeks. No chance to get away. Her schedule at work is busy, too, and she often works an odd shift, starting two hours either side of noon. So she gets out too late for a visit. It's about a 70-minute drive from her place to mine.

Bottom line, it's been very hard for us to get together for the last several months. But my busy season will soon be over, and that's also when the cold and snow of winter starts fading away. We are really looking forward to summer and resuming all the fun things we did last year when it was warm out.

If you ever want to learn about polyamory, an excellent resource is the "Polyamory Weekly" podcast. Here is the website, and you can subscribe through iTunes.

Each Poly Weekly podcast starts with a stern warning for under-18 listeners: "This is an adult-oriented podcast about really lascivious things. Like communication. And honesty in relationships." Which brings me to another point.

My wife (who is not poly) has been hooked on "Days of Our Lives" for years, and it is usualy on TV when she and I have lunch together; my office is less than a block away, so I walk home. February has been a sweeps month, with a series of dramatic developments mostly involving relationships blowing up. Sort of like the call during a square dance: "Change partners!" As usual on "Days," there's a lot of cheating and lying and dishonesty and suspicion among couples whose weak relationships bear only the slightest resemblance to love. Many are more like political alliances. And nearly everyone on the show is as jealous as rabid dogs.

Look, I know why these soaps exist. My theory has always been that they makes viewers feel better about themselves: No matter how messed-up your personal life and relationships are, they can't possibly be as f***ed up as the rich but thoroughly miserable denizens of "Salem," who can't forgive, can't forget, can't be honest (even with themselves) and can't make all the skeletons in their closets magically disappear.

You never hear about polyamory on that show. No wonder. Imagine a world where couples allow each other to have other deep friendships, including sexual and emotional relationships. Imagine a world where love is allowed to grow wherever it wants--with the knowledge and consent of all parties. Where nobody gets jealous or fearful or threatened or runs around behind their partner's back.

If the concept of poly ever gets a real foothold in America, imagine all the economic upheaval that could mean: The soaps would lose most of their story lines. The entire country music industry would be in grave danger. The liquor industry would see a downturn in sales, and bars would be much less busy. Divorce lawyers and psychologists and counselors would have to devise major changes to their professions so they can keep their doors open.

Poly is definitely not for everybody. Society (and, yes, religion) hard-wires us to the serial monogamy/cheating monogamy tradition--for better or worse. It's hard to let go of jealousy and possessiveness. For some, it's impossible. I wrote a gal one time about poly, and she wrote back: "I am an only child. I never like to share."

So they go on the way their friends and parents and grandparents did, just as sad and miserable and frustrated as they were, making the same mistakes and never imagining that there is a path that can make their lives much happier.